Today I will meet with my boss, a woman I admire, respect, and genuinely care about, to surrender a perfect job I was led to, have loved, and been so perfectly suited for. 12 weeks of medical leave have come and gone, which boggles my mind a bit. The day I came home on medical leave I thought I’d be out for a couple of weeks, they’d “fix me,” and I’d be back at work and good as new before I knew it. Today, however, I have to really let go. I’m turning in my work iPhone, my access badge, my company credit card, cleaning out my darling office. My company was only required to hold my position for 12 weeks and it is unfair to ask them to wait any longer. If I knew an end was in sight, I would ask them to hold on for a little longer, that I’d be able to come back after surgery, treatment, etc. But there’s no surgery, no treatment, and no recovery timeline. Letting go of this is so very hard, and I know I will grieve. Leaving behind so many genuine friends and work that made the best use of my gifts and talents. Feels so final. So now my calendar we be open for what’s next. And God keeps impressing on my heart that He is “making room.”
Last week I packed up much of my former life. I spent time going through my closet, pulling out things I don’t love, don’t make me feel like a million dollars when I wear them, don’t work with where my life is currently going or (sadly)don’t fit anymore. I had a giant black garbage bag for Goodwill donations and a plastic storage tub for, well, the “clothes on hold.” The tub is now filled with pencil skirts, blazers, dress trousers, blouses, sheath dresses, button up shirts, sleek pointy-toe pumps, and memories. The things I won’t be wearing in this new phase. Wouldn’t make much sense to dress like I’m going to a business meeting to sit on the couch and write my blog. Or to go to the doctor. Or on my outings to Trader Joe’s. My closet is cleaned out of the things that would remind me of where I’ve been and make me long for that again as I move into the next piece of my story. The plastic bin of lovely workplace fashion will wait in my garage, as I make room for something else.
All the other radical left turns my life has taken over the past several years have always been God leading me to a defined next step, something different that was fairly clear and tangible. This isn’t. Which is so strange. So I am here at this strange crossroads of limbo, unsure of what my next phase will be. As of right now, it could just feel like empty space. I choose not to focus, though, on my lack of a 5 year plan (or one month plan for that matter). I will dwell in the present, ready to listen, to hear, to be still, and I will look ahead to what’s next, trusting that whatever He is making room for will be for my best. I will wait on the Lord’s leading as He makes room.
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.