It’s a high pain day, one of the pesky flares that are an inevitable but unpredictable part of my chronic illness life. My thorn of the flesh, is oh-so-very-thorny today. Which leads to more ranting and raving in my brain about this transition our family is wading through, which is oddly cobbled together with all the OTHER transitions of the past year.
When I get to my new (God led and perfectly selected) Texas home, my new normal, I will be surrounded by new people. People who have no idea who the “old” me was. The me who was an achiever, type A, busy and super productive, fit and healthy, driven and accomplished both in career and at home. They won’t know that me ever existed. They will never see all the awesome that was. (LOL) Ugh. And it kind of breaks my heart. And it’s prideful and selfish to feel that way.
But then I think about how they will know the new me. The me who is still and more present and thoughtful than the old me ever had time to be. The me who writes, bleeds my heart out on a page, and mediates on God’s word. The me who is at home and knits things to give away. The me who accepts limitations while still trying to be all her body lets her be.
And the old me is part of that story. Where I started, where God has led me, where he still has to take me in this journey of life and the million ways He has grown and blessed me as I’ve walked through this past year, illness and all.
All my former awesomeness will not be known by these new friends. And maybe that’s okay. Because God’s awesomeness is so much better. His faithfulness on my hardest days, His goodness in providing what I need before I even know I need it. I want that to be what they see.
Here is what He whispers to me today, as I surrender to today’s backyard-porch-swing-worship-because-I-can’t-make-it-to-church fate:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties,. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10