In most of my adult life I’ve been trying to impress someone. Someone I worked for/with, some cute boy in high school (who actually did marry me, by the way), teachers/professors, my friends, my frenemies, someone in my church, total strangers, people I didn’t even like, extended family, parents, husband, children, my kids’ friends’ parents, ministry leaders.
I always felt the driving need to prove that I am “something (you fill in the blank) enough.” Thin enough. Fashionable enough. Fit enough. Smart enough. Well-read enough. Home decorated well enough. Home clean enough. Kids well behaved enough. Working hard enough. Doing enough at church. Doing enough in general. Creative enough. Cool enough. Pretty enough. Spiritual enough. Innovative enough. Involved enough. Striving, striving, striving. So much of how I felt about myself and my success was tied to someone else’s evaluation (real or imagined) of how well I’m doing.
Now, in this strange/purifying season in which I currently live, I find that I am not trying to impress anyone for the first time in my life. What an odd freedom. I feel as though I am… enough. I can’t DO enough, but the being still that is hallmark in my life is enough in this season. All the other standards of evaluation fall away.
I have set aside so much of my (considerable) pride in this season, not giving a second thought to using my new handy-dandy folding cane chair (we’ve come up with several creative names for it, including Cane-ye West, Cane-y Perry, John McCane, Cane-y Poehler) when needed, or riding in an electric cart in Target on a particularly bad day, or *gasp* asking for help. Not worried about how anyone else sees me or judges me. Again, so much freedom.
Do I know what the next steps will look like? Nope. But I have found a place of freedom and contentment in spite of that. I am enough because what God is doing in me is enough. Sitting with my husband at breakfast, chatting and sharing coffee is enough. Quiet times with my young adult kids just being there (something that is short-lived, I am painfully aware) is enough. Sweet time with a precious friend is enough. My slow pace is enough.
Being in God’s presence, not running, not striving, is enough.